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Pursuit of Perfection

by on April 10, 2013

I’ve seen more and more blog entries and awesomely empowering images with short texts that explain that perfection is unattainable and unrealistic. It’s nice to see that more people are engaging in this sort of thinking, but I think the true devil lies within ourselves.

I know I always try to be better than I was the year before. Do more. Learn more. Be more. But a lot of time I fall short of my ideal. I wanted to loose a little weight 10 years ago, now I need to loose a whole person. I wanted to finish college but now I’m coming up short on my tuition for my final semester. I want to do it all but often I find that just making it to the end of the day is a struggle.

It’s easy to project these awesome lives to everyone that is only allowed a glimpse into our worlds, but when you delve deeper you’ll find entire new levels that you never knew about. I know I’m not alone in this which is why my BFF and soul mate (sorry hon, she stole my heart first. If I was into chicks and she was too, we’d have been married 10 years ago…) and I decided to start this blog. We want everyone to know that life isn’t all sunshine and butterflies. Neither she nor I fart rainbows. Hell, there’s days we don’t even get the chance to shower. It’s life. It’s not pretty, it’s messy and it’s one hell of a ride. If you choose to follow us be prepared for the fact that at some point we’ll most likely offend you. Chances are you’ll disagree with us more than once. That’s ok. If we were all the same imagine how boring life would be. I mean, who would we judge?

So, in an effort to just dive right into examples of how un-glamorous my life truly is I’m about to let you all in on a dirty little secret… we aren’t doing so well financially. When we got married we both had ok jobs. We adopted a dog named Sam and worked hard so we could purchase our first house.

I’d struggled with endometriosis and polycystic ovarian syndrome since I was 18. Katy was actually there for the discovery of this and of special help in all those ER trips my freshman year in college. These two conditions do not lend themselves to procreating. (the PCOS and Endo, not Katy and college…)

Endometriosis is when the cells that normally grow on the inside of your uterus begin growing on the outside. They are also known as ‘chocolate cysts’ although they’re not cysts at all. They grow in dark patches in your abdomen and can eventually fuse your organs together and do some serious damage.

I’d had my first surgery for this prior to meeting my husband. (again, that first year with Katy) My second surgery took place the day after my birthday the year and a little that we lived in Oregon. Mike, le husband, took care of me the whole time I was out on surgical leave. (I think I took a whopping 4 days off before returning to work, not smart kids, not smart…)

After we purchased our house in 2008 we decided it was time to start the family. Having endo and PCOS we knew it would be a struggle. We actually starting trying around November 2007, the month we got married. I had blood test after blood test. Progesterone cycle and then a clomid cycle. Nothing was working. Finally, I had a third surgery for the endo and to clean out the plumbing and the final cycle of clomid that I was eligble to take. (Clomid is a pill that encourages ovulation. The chance of multiples is 10% or less according to the doc that did my surgery and prescribed me the pills.) We decided to stop short of invitro. That was out of our price range and just didn’t feel right. This was our last chance to have a family that was biologically ours. We started to discuss our adoption options.

On May 26th we conceived (I was doing the LH test strips so I know that was the day my levels surged) and on June 9th, 2009 I found out I was pregnant.

The start of July brought bleeding. Knowing that ectopic pregnancies were a risk with endo and PCOS I called my doc to be seen and find out what was going on. EVERY TIME I CALLED the nurse told me it was normal and not to worry, they’d see me at 20 weeks. For several days I bled and got no where with the doctors office. Finally, I called the midwife that delivered several of my cousins into this world. She was wonderful. Her office saw me right away and scheduled an ultrasound for the next day. I saw one of the 4 women in that practice that day. Janet met my aunt and I at the doctors office for the ultrasound. The doc doing the intra-vaginal ultrasound said “It looks like there was an egg that didn’t stick. Your body is just shedding what’s left but this one looks good.” And as I’m watching the monitor it hits me… there’s more than 1.

Sure enough, we had three eggs and two stuck. Awesome. Scary. Wonderful. Scary. Beautiful. Did I mention scary? My first thought was “Oh shit, now I can’t travel with the wrestling team” as I was interpreting for a deaf high school student. Then it began to sink in that my insurance wasn’t the greatest (hooray for working in the public school system) and neither my husband nor I was making in the high $30k/year range. We were lucky to be making $45k/year combined. Not bad, but not what we knew was needed for two infants, especially since they were likely to be in the NICU for weeks before we even got to bring them home.

I attended every doctor appoint and check up as recommended. At 20 weeks I began bleeding again which ended up in a trip to the ER. There was no explaination for this, likely one of the girls little feet kicked something on my insides and caused some bleeding. Then at 31 weeks I went into labor. Too early. I spent 3 days in the hospital while they attempted to stop my labor. My water hadn’t broken but my contractions were getting bad. My BP rose and I got one or two doses of mag. If you’ve never had it, hope that you never do. You wish you would just die. It’s horrible.
Thankfully they managed to stop my labor. I proceeded to make it full term, 37 weeks 1 day. They even had to induce me. When I delivered I had 1 vaginally and 1 by cesarean. When you deliver twins you are required to get an epidural, deliver in the OR and have a team of nurses for you, one for your doc, a team for your midwife, and a team for each baby. I’m pretty sure about 30 people saw me give birth and those are NOT large OR’s.

I’d had a million tests and ultrasounds leading up to the delivery and had been put on bedrest at 20 weeks with the bleeding. My husband was working overnight shifts at a local hotel and that paid the bills but not much else.

I tell you all this, not so you feel bad for me (don’t, I have two healthy, funny, wonderful children, I’m very lucky) but so that you can kinda grasp the expense that was involved BEFORE the girls even made an appearance.

When all was said and done my hospital bills, doctors bills, pre-natal treatment etc. cost right about $1 million. That’s right. One. Million. Dollars.

Now if you haven’t figured it out by now, I’m not a closet millionaire. Wish I was, but I’m not. My portion of that was not 100% but it was enough that 3 years later I am still making payments. It doesn’t help that I wasn’t able to breastfeed so the girls were both on formula, not cheap. The cost of diapers alone was around $100/month. Making sure the girls were cared for came first. Then we paid mortgage and bills with the rest.

We’ve had a couple small family vacations where we’ve driven places, but each of those cost less than $700 and we did those when we had the cash to do it. We had some credit cards, mostly from our honeymoon to Scotland but in the last year and a half or two years we’ve really tried to stick to a ‘cash only’ budget plan. We haven’t used credit cards in a long time.

Eventually it all came to a head and we’re just not able to make ends meet anymore. It blows my mind since we don’t live an extravagent lifestyle. We don’t spend on frivoulous things. We aren’t as ‘economical’ or ‘thrifty’ as some of the people that live on TLC but we also don’t have shopping addictions or hoard things.
Anyway, it has come down to not being able to do it all and we signed papers today declaring bankruptcy. It’s a horrible feeling and one that I had hoped I would never have to experience but I know that it’s the right decision. We cannot continue in our current path and expect to maintain current payments on the mortgage or car.

It sucks. It totally sucks and I feel terrible but I’m learning that it’s not as bad as I had thought it would be. There are more people that have been here than I imagined. Hell, Donald Trump has declared bankruptcy 3 times. I also had no idea that most bankruptcy claims are from medical debt. Makes me feel a TON better. I don’t have a giant house that I couldn’t afford to begin with. We don’t have a summer home or lots of ‘toys’ in the garage. We’re just your average citizen trying to get by. We pay our taxes, we tip well, and we donate to St. Judes and Child’s Play when we can.

Again, I share this with you, Oh Internet World, not for sympathy, but rather to prove that you can think that someone has their shit together and not know the whole story.

I know I’ve had people ask me how I do it all and I always answer “I don’t.” I’m not perfect. I don’t pretend to be, but now at least you’ll have evidence for this.

I wish I hadn’t reached this point in my life but when I stand back and look at everything I can’t help feeling like this really isn’t a big deal. I have a house and car that we’re current on and will get to keep. I have a wonderful husband, although we don’t always see eye to eye and I won’t pretend he’s perfect (I’m not perfect either, but I’m damn close! jk) and I have two beautiful daughters that I never thought I’d have. I alive and working, I love my job and I’ll get through this. In the grand scheme of things this is but a blip on the map of my life. I’ll learn from this, and I’m not planning on having more kids so will likely not be in this position for this reason again.

This post isn’t full of the humor I attempt to put in everything I do, but it’s a prime example of my ‘Pin Perfect Life’. You can pin the perfect projects and things that make people think one thing about you, but you can have something else going on behind the scenes.

I enjoy reading the Single Dad Laughing blog and he does this thing called ‘The Truth Box’. It just proves that we’re all the same. We all have demons and are fighting a battle of our own. Now you know mine.

~Kelcy

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3 Comments
  1. Hi, something that helped me have success when dealing with my pcos was watching Katie Humphreys 90 Days of freedom from pcos on youtube. If you watch her day one, I know it’ll help you. I wrote a little more about her and my story on my blog. Hope it helps!

    • I’ll check that out. Thanks! It’s hard to find doctors that are dedicated to this and endo. It’s like they don’t really understand why it happens so they don’t even bother to do anything except the metformin and birth control pills. I had an IUD put in right after I had the girls and it was horrible! I’ve done all the birth controls except the implant in the arm. The depo shot worked for like 6 months then I bled for 9 months straight. the nuvaring was uncomfortable and the patch gave me a rash. And anyone that hasn’t experienced it can’t fully understand that frustration that comes with dealing with it.

      • That’s exactly how the doctors are here! I believe I tried around 6 different kinds as well. And yes, the u-ring was very uncomfortable. I actually tried metformin & stopped cuz my body just couldn’t handle it. But when I did things got even worse, so I got the lower doses. That’s why I was so scared on taking insulite & stopping all my other pills. And I could have continued on taking them, but after 2 weeks ish I told myself if I didn’t want to be on metformin & birth control & my water pill for the rest of my life, then I need to give this a try. And month 2 came & I started! And I began having all this energy & my stomach pains were gone! I’ve lost 20 lbs & still have about 25 to lose. But I’m telling you taking insulite labs. & watching those videos changed my life & that’s why I want to spread my story so that it could help someone else. Because living with pcos is so difficult & unless you have it, people just don’t understand.

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